Forgiveness from a Stone
by FallenAngel218
Summary: Gibbs has been haunted by the ghosts of those he lost for far too long - has his soul finally been broken beyond repair? SeSa 2015 gift for Smackalicious.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: Gibbs has been haunted by the ghosts of those he lost for far too long - has his soul finally been broken beyond repair?_

 _SeSa 2015 fic for Smackalicious - Merry Christmas, Sherry! I hope you love it!_

 _Notes: This story is going to take place just after Thanksgiving... I haven't seen any of season 13 yet, so this story is not going to follow anything that's currently going on in the show._

 _This fic was inspired by "21 Guns" by Green Day. There is also another song in which I reference in the fic - "Count your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)" - written by Irving Berlin, and performed by Bing Crosby in the movie "White Christmas."_

 _Warnings: Spoilers for Season 12 in general... if you're still catching up, there are some major things that happened in S12, so be forewarned._

 **Chapter 1 **

The boat was nearly finished. He could probably pull an all-nighter, get her sanded down, but tonight, he sat on a stool, glass in his hand, staring at it. Just staring.

He'd lost so much this year... Diane being shot, and after that he'd had to watch the body of Ned Dorneget being carried off of a plane. Another ghost that was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. Another person he couldn't save.

He raised the glass to his lips with a shaking hand, and took a long gulp of bourbon. He'd decided that tonight would be it; no one else was going to die because of him. He wouldn't allow it. He poured himself some more bourbon, and reached for the SIG lying on his workbench.

 _You're a damn coward, Jethro._

He could hear Diane's voice, clear as day. That happened sometimes. He saw the ghosts, too... when they wanted him to see them.

"It's over."

 _No it's not. Since when do you give up on anything?_

"Too many people. I can't do it anymore. I won't."

 _Stop blaming yourself for things you can't control, Leroy._

Jackson's voice took the place of Diane's.

"I could have prevented it all, Dad. That's the kicker."

 _You have too much guilt on your shoulders... you need to let it go, Son._

He cocked the gun and checked it over a second time.

"I can't let it go."

 _You're a stubborn ass, Gibbs._

Kate was standing in front of him. She appeared to him in full form regularly.

"It's the way it has to be, Katie."

 _The Gibbs I met on Air Force One would go down fighting … not by his own hand. I'm disappointed, Gibbs. I thought you were different._

"I'm not the same man anymore. I can't-"

 _Thwack!_

It was light, and felt more like air than flesh and bone, but he felt the head slap.

 _You don't have permission to die._

Gibbs looked up at the image of Kate. She was glaring at him with that pissed off look on her face that always made him grin like an idiot.

"You using my own words against me, Agent Todd?"

 _Someone has to get through that thick skull of yours._

Gibbs looked down at the SIG in his hand. He had to do this... there really was no other way. This was it.

He threw back the rest of the bourbon, and set the empty glass down on the workbench behind him.

The gunshot sliced through the silence of the house.

Tony found him the next morning, on his basement floor. Terror faded to relief when he felt for a pulse and found one, and he screamed at a 911 operator to send an ambulance right away.

"Damn it, Gibbs... why the hell would you do this?"

The paramedics were there quickly, and Tony watched as they took Gibbs away on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance. They didn't tell him much, only that Gibbs was lucky he'd missed when he tried to shoot himself in the head.

Tony followed the ambulance to the hospital, and called Tim and Ellie on the way. He also put in a call to Vance. He told them all not to tell Abby yet... if she attached herself to Gibbs, he'd shut down before they had a chance to find out how the hell this happened.

Tim met Tony in the ER waiting room. The hospital staff instructed them to wait there until they came to get them.

"What the hell happened?" Tim asked.

"He tried to shoot himself in the head... the damn idiot missed and grazed the side of his head."

"I don't understand why he would do this," Tim said, shaking his head.

Tony was about to respond when the ER doors burst open, and Vance stepped inside. Tony waved a hand to get his attention, and Vance made his way across the waiting room.

"Any update?"

"They just wheeled him in about fifteen minutes ago," Tim reported. "He tried to shoot himself in the head, and he missed."

Vance sat down across from them.

"Damn."

"What are we going to do? He's not going to listen to me or McGee," Tony said. "He's a stubborn bastard, and he always will be."

Vance sat silently, taking in Tony's words. He was right - Gibbs was in a state in which anything his Agents said to him would go in one ear and out the other. If anyone was going to get through to Gibbs at this point, it had to be him.

"Party for... Jethro Gibbs?"

Vance stood up before Tony or Tim had the chance to.

"I'm Leon Vance, Director of NCIS. Gibbs is one of my Agents."

The Doctor shook Vance's hand.

"Your Agent was very lucky... an inch or two the other direction, and he'd have definitely done what he'd intended to."

There was a brief, awkward silence.

"I understand that a situation like this is very sensitive. I have to inform you that the hospital is required to have the patient evaluated by a psychiatrist before he or she is released."

"When will we be able to see him?" Vance asked.

"His psychiatrist will come out shortly after his preliminary evaluation to let you know what will happen."

"Understood. Thank you, Doctor."

The Doctor smiled and left them to their thoughts.

"That psychiatrist is going to have a hell of a time getting Gibbs to say anything," Tony said.

"You're right, Tony... but we have to wait this out."

So they waited.

 **TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

There was a strange man in his room when Gibbs woke up. As he reached under his pillow for his gun, his brain caught up with him, and he realized that he wasn't at home.

 _Damn it all._

"Who are you?" Gibbs asked gruffly.

"I'm Dr. Connor... do you remember what happened to you?"

Gibbs nodded.

"I'm here to talk with you about it."

"Don't want to talk about it," Gibbs said hoarsely. Dr. Connor handed him the cup of ice sitting on the tray by the bed. Gibbs took it gratefully.

"Your chart says that you tried to shoot yourself in the head."

Gibbs remained silent.

"Agent Gibbs..."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm going to be honest with you, Agent Gibbs. When the hospital receives a patient like yourself, a psych consult is required before they let you go home. That's what I'm here for."

Gibbs went to cut him off, but Dr. Connor continued without missing a beat.

"Don't even try to ask me to sign off so you can leave. It's not going to be that easy."

Gibbs sighed, annoyed. Dr. Connor smiled.

"I'm not here to browbeat you, Jethro. I'm here to talk about what's bothering you, and see if there's anything I can do to help."

Gibbs nodded.

"Let's talk about your profession. Your chart says that you are a Federal Agent?"

"I work for NCIS."

Dr. Connor wrote something down, and looked back up at Gibbs.

"I imagine being a Federal Agent is a high-stress occupation."

"It is."

"Do you do anything to unwind after work?"

"Woodworking. In my basement."

"That's a great hobby... what kind of things do you build?"

"Boats."

"In your basement? How do you get them out?"

Gibbs grinned.

"Ah, a secret. Okay, I'll leave that question for another time. So, do you find that building boats takes your mind off of things?"

Gibbs didn't respond, and Dr. Connor wrote on his notepad again.

"Do you spend any time with friends?"

"A little."

"Do you have friends who are also co-workers?"

"Yes."

"Do you often get together outside of work?"

"No."

"Okay, Jethro. I'm going to ask you some different questions now, and don't be afraid to respond, okay? Remember, I'm just here to talk. That's all."

Gibbs nodded.

"Can you tell me about last night?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Don't want to talk about it."

"It's the reason you're here, with a bandage on your head."

Gibbs mumbled something incoherently.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said, Jethro. Could you repeat it?"

"I shouldn't be here at all! Is that what you want to hear! I wasn't supposed to miss!"

"Agent Gibbs..."

"I don't want to talk anymore! Get out!"

Dr. Connor sat there for another few moments, and when Gibbs' angry glare did not waver, he got up and left the room.

 **~*~*~*~*~*~**

Vance sat up and rubbed his eyes when the ER doors finally opened again. Tim and Tony had fallen asleep in their chairs.

"Agent Gibbs?"

Vance stood up and held out a hand.

"Director Leon Vance."

"I'm Dr. Loren Connor, his psychiatrist."

"How is he?"

"Physically, fine. Mentally... he's going to need a lot of help."

"Can he go home?"

"I'm going to keep him here for 72 hours for psychiatric evaluation. When a patient comes into the hospital under these circumstances, we require they be evaluated before we let them go back home."

"I understand. I'm sure he's already giving you a hard time."

Dr. Connor grinned.

"He's going to be a tough nut to crack, but I have faith that we can break through."

"Can I go and see him now?"

"Sure... I'll take you to his room."

Vance followed Dr. Connor through the ER and into the hospital. It took a minute or two, but they finally came to Gibbs' room.

"He's in a volatile state right now, so take it easy with him."

"Noted."

Vance entered the room alone. Gibbs was sitting up in bed, staring at the wall.

"How are you feeling, Jethro?"

"Fine."

"Trying to blow your own head off qualifies as fine?"

"Why are you here, Leon?"

"What's going on? Why didn't you call me if you were feeling this way?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Your psychiatrist begs to differ."

"I don't need a damn psychiatrist!" Gibbs snapped. "I need get out of here and go home!"

"You're not going home today, so get that out of your head right now. Dr. Connor is keeping you here for a 72-hour evaluation. If you try to leave, I'll instruct the nurses to handcuff you to your bed. Are we clear?"

Gibbs crossed his arms and pouted.

"Yeah."

"Good." Vance's features softened. "Get some rest. I'll come back tomorrow to visit again, okay?"

Gibbs nodded.

Vance sighed and left his Agent alone. Dr. Connor was waiting outside the room.

"You'll keep me posted on his condition?"

"Of course, Director Vance."

Vance pulled a business card out of his coat pocket and handed it to Dr. Connor.

"If he tries to leave, handcuff him to his bed."

Dr. Connor grinned.

"We won't let him leave... trust me."

Vance looked at his watch, and held out a hand for the Doctor to shake.

"I'd better go and send my other two Agents home. Thank you for taking care of Agent Gibbs."

"That's what I'm here for. I'll keep you posted on his progress."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Vance made his way back to the waiting room, where he found Tim and Tony awake.

"How is he?" Tony asked immediately.

"He is being held for a 72-hour evaluation. He's in good hands."

"Can I see him?"

"That wouldn't be wise, Agent DiNozzo. He's not in a very good state of mind. He's angry."

"That sounds like him," Tony said sarcastically.

"Listen, both of you, go back to NCIS. Under the circumstances, I'll give you both desk duty for the time being."

"Yes, Sir," Tim replied, picking up his coat.

"Oh, and one other thing," he said, stopping them both. "You have to decide which one of you is going to tell Ms. Sciuto about this."

Tim and Tony exchanged glances. That was easier said than done.

 **TBC...**


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: I have marked this complete, because I have the story already written, and am going to be posting it here two chapters at a time. Apologies for any confusion._

Abby was bouncing around her lab when Tim and Tony came in.

"Hi Guys! Do you have evidence for me?"

Tony picked up the remote and turned off the music.

"No, Abbs. We have to tell you something."

Abby's features instantly changed.

"What happened? Who's hurt?"

"Abby, can we go into your office?" Tim asked.

"Oh my God... did someone - who -"

"No one died... just, please, let's go into your office."

"Okay."

Tim walked with Abby into her office, and Tony closed the door behind them.

"Sit down, Abbs," Tony said gently.

Abby sat down in her chair.

"Okay, someone start talking. I'm worried."

Tim squatted to be at her level, and took her hand in his.

"Tony went to Gibbs' house to pick him up this morning. He found Gibbs on the floor in his basement. He tried to shoot himself last night."

"What!"

Tony put his hands on her shoulders to keep her sitting.

"Let him finish, Abby."

Abby reluctantly nodded.

"He's physically all right, and he's at Bethesda now. The reason Tony and I came to tell you together is because you can't go up and see him."

"Why?"

"He's being held for 72 hours... for psychiatric evaluation. He's in a volatile state right now... any of us going to see him isn't going to help."

Tears flowed freely down Abby's cheeks.

"Why would he want to hurt himself? I don't understand what was so bad that he would- would-"

Abby lost it, and buried her face in Tim's shoulder as she cried. Tim rubbed her back soothingly.

"It's going to be okay, Abbs. He's going to be fine."

Tim looked up at Tony, who was still standing behind Abby's chair.

"I can take care of Abby. Could you go and let Ducky know what's going on?"

Tony nodded and left them alone in the office, Abby crying hysterically into Tim's shoulder as he held her.

"Anthony, you are putting me on," Ducky said, shock in his voice, after Tony told him what had happened to Gibbs. "This is some kind of joke."

"It's not, Ducky. I found him this morning. If he hadn't been drunk, he'd probably be dead right now."

Ducky braced a hand on the empty table next to him.

"Oh dear..."

"He's going to be okay, Ducky."

"Jethro is far from okay, Tony. I've been his friend for quite some time now... he never confided in me that he was feeling _this_ out of sorts."

"Vance is up at the hospital with him."

"Perhaps I should go up there as well."

"Don't, Ducky. Gibbs isn't in any state to see any of us. Vance gave us an order for no one but him to be up there during Gibbs' evaluation."

"Very well. I shall call Director Vance nonetheless." Ducky noticed a bothered look on Tony's face. "Are you all right, Tony?"

Tony let out a shaky sigh.

"I'm the one that found him, Ducky. There were a few minutes between me seeing him and checking his pulse, that I thought he was dead... I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life than I was during those two minutes."

"To find someone in that state is probably the hardest thing one could ever experience," Ducky said gently. He looked away for a moment, then sighed and turned his attention back to Tony. "I have often said that my Father left Mother and I when I was a lad. He did leave us... but not in the sense that I've portrayed."

"What are you telling me?" Tony asked.

"My father committed suicide, Tony. He hanged himself in our attic. I was the one who found him. I'd come home from school on cold March afternoon, and realized I'd beat Mother home. My Father's study was up in the attic, so I went up to greet him. When I got to the top of the steps, I found him hanging from the rafters."

"My God... Ducky I'm so sorry... I had no idea..."

"Thank you... it was many, many years ago, and not a memory I like to look back on. Nevertheless I eventually got past it... with help. Mother helped me to accept why my Father did what he did, and helped me move on. I want you to do the same, Tony. It may take some time, but explore your emotions, and try to understand why Jethro was feeling the way he did. It may help you like it helped me."

Tony nodded and forced a small smile.

"Thanks, Ducky."

"You are most welcome."

"I'd better go and see if McGee needs help with Abby. When I left them, she was a mess."

Ducky nodded and watched Tony leave, and went into his office to call Vance.

 **TBC...**


	4. Chapter 4

Gibbs refused to talk to anyone for the first 24 hours since he'd been admitted for psychiatric evaluation. They'd moved him into the psych wing as quickly as possible, so he could be monitored more closely by Dr. Connor.

He spent most of his time sitting in a chair by the window, staring out at the city. Vance had been by a couple of times already that day, and Gibbs refused to see him. If he knew Leon, he was sure his friend would be back the next day.

As night fell over DC, Gibbs found himself back in his chair, just staring. The nurse had come and left, leaving a small cup with his meds in it on his tray, next to his untouched dinner plate. Gibbs didn't seem to notice people moving in and out of his room, and he frankly didn't care. He wanted to ride this out and get the hell home.

The door to his room opened behind him, but Gibbs did not move.

"Jethro?"

He ignored the footsteps approaching behind him.

"Jethro, it's Dr. Connor."

He could not ignore Dr. Connor's hand on his shoulder.

"Don't want to talk."

"I think we should try," Dr. Connor said gently. "I can't help you unless you talk to me."

Gibbs suddenly turned in his chair, to face Dr. Connor.

"I don't need any fucking help, and I don't want to talk! Why can't you leave me the hell alone!"

There was anger in his eyes... and behind it, Dr. Connor could sense the emptiness that Gibbs was trying to hide from him.

"If you didn't need help, then why did you try to shoot yourself?" Dr. Connor asked.

Gibbs didn't respond. Dr. Connor contemplated his options... and decided to pull out a different card.

"I had a long conversation with your Boss, Director Vance."

"Yeah? He tell you I'm a lunatic? Or that I'm a drunk?"

"Of course not, Jethro. We talked about the recent losses in your life. From what he told me, you witnessed the murder of your ex-wife not too long ago, and recently, your Agency lost an Agent in the line of duty."

Gibbs nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Nope."

"All right. Have you experienced the loss of other loved ones?"

Gibbs tried to hide his reaction to that question, but Dr. Connor saw through him. He nodded.

"Tell me about the people you've lost."

"Lost my Mom when I was 14," Gibbs said softly. "She died of cancer. Lost my wife and daughter while I was deployed with the Marines. My Dad just passed away recently. Heart attack."

"I'm very sorry for your losses... I can't begin to imagine what you must have gone through."

Gibbs nodded. A tear escaped his eye, and rolled down his cheek. Dr. Connor noticed, and took a step back.

"Why don't we talk again tomorrow, okay?"

Gibbs didn't respond to him.

"I want you to get some sleep tonight. Take the pills that the Nurse left for you... there's a sedative in there, to help you sleep. And don't even think about trying to get rid of them... I will know whether or not you took them."

Gibbs nodded, and crossed the room to his bed. He sat down and picked up the paper cup and shook the pills into his mouth. He drank them down with water.

"Get some rest."

With that, Dr. Connor left him for the evening. Gibbs climbed under the covers and lay down. Why did Dr. Connor want to talk about his past, anyway? As the question circled around in his mind, he suddenly felt tired, and drifted off to sleep.

-Next morning, 0900 hours-

Gibbs awoke to find his dinner plate replaced with breakfast... and Vance seated in a chair across the room.

"Good Morning."

He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"You bring coffee?"

Leon crossed the room and set a cup down on the table tray. Gibbs drank it gratefully.

"So why are you here?" Gibbs said abrasively.

"Cut the crap, Gibbs. You already knew I'd be back."

Gibbs nodded.

"How's things?"

"Fine."

They lapsed into silence as they drank their coffee. Gibbs picked at his breakfast... scrambled eggs of some sort, with toast. He picked up a piece of toast and took a bite.

"Your Team has been asking me how you're doing," Vance finally said.

A thought suddenly occurred to him.

"Abby... how is she-"

"Ms. Sciuto took it quite hard. McGee had to drive her home, and from what DiNozzo told me, stayed with her overnight."

Gibbs scrubbed a hand across his unshaven face.

"Damn it."

"You're scaring the hell out of a lot of people, Jethro."

Gibbs lowered his eyes.

"I've really screwed everything up, haven't I?"

"No one is going to hold a grudge against you. They know that you're hurting, and they just want you to get better."

"I don't know what I'm doing, Leon. How do I fix this? How do I fix _me_ _?"_

"Let your friends in. Let Dr. Connor in. Hell, let _me_ in. We all want to help you. Don't shut us out."

Gibbs didn't say anything for a few long moments. He took a sip of coffee, and nodded.

Vance smiled and looked at his watch.

"I have to get to NCIS... I have a morning meeting. I'll come by later."

Gibbs nodded again, and Vance left. He picked up the piece of toast he abandoned earlier and nibbled on it. He'd spent years hiding in his basement, confiding only in a bottle of bourbon, or whatever the hell he had around the house. Maybe it was time to come out of the basement.

Maybe it was time to let someone else in.

 **TBC...**


	5. Chapter 5

_~ The Next Day ~_

It was nearly noon the next day before Dr. Connor came back for the final session in Gibbs' evaluation. He found his patient in his usual seat, by the window. Dr. Connor sat down in a chair next to Gibbs, and sat with him in silence, staring out the window.

The room was quiet for ten minutes. Gibbs and Dr. Connor just sat in companionable silence, staring out the window. Gibbs knew he was there; he didn't want to give the psychologist the notion that he wanted to talk. He was content just sitting there, staring at the city.

"Are you looking for something out there, Jethro?" Dr. Connor finally asked.

"I don't know."

"Tell me what you normally do after a tough day at work."

"Work on my boat."

"You like to sail?"

"Nope."

"Why build boats, then?"

Gibbs shrugged.

"Do you build anything else in your basement?"

"Sometimes."

"Like what?"

Gibbs didn't answer him. He could hear Dr. Connor writing on his notepad.

"Do you ever talk to anyone after a hard day? A friend?"

Gibbs chose not to answer him again.

Silence filled the room as Dr. Connor sat, writing in his notepad. Gibbs shifted his gaze from the window to the Doctor, wondering what he was writing. When Dr. Connor stopped writing, Gibbs quickly turned back to the window.

"Okay, Jethro. Here's the deal. I'm going to release you today, but I don't want you to go home alone."

"I'll be fine, Doc."

"You're definitely a lot more stable than the day you came in, but I don't like the idea of you being alone just yet."

"I don't need a babysitter."

"Mr. Gibbs, you either stay with someone when you leave here, or I can extend your stay in the psychiatric ward. Take your pick."

"Fine. You win."

"Good. Do you know who you want us to call for you today?"

Gibbs thought for a moment.

"Call Leon Vance."

"Okay, will do. I'll go give him a call and be back in a bit."

"Okay."

Dr. Connor left his patient and went down the hall to his office. He shut his door and pulled the shade, indicating that he did not want to be disturbed. He skimmed his notes on Gibbs as he sat at his desk and picked up the phone. He found Director Vance's phone number in his patient's file, and dialed the number.

 _"This is Vance."_

"Hello Director, this is Dr. Connor from Bethesda. I'm calling about Agent Gibbs."

 _"What's he done now?"_

Dr. Connor chuckled.

"On the contrary, I'm calling to let you know that I'm ready to release him today. He asked if you would be the one to come and pick him up."

 _"I-all right. I can come. When?"_

"This afternoon."

 _"That works for me."_

"I need to speak to you about his state of mind, Mr. Vance."

 _"You're afraid he might make another attempt?"_

"I can tell he's trying to open himself up to help, but he's got a long way to go. In the meantime, I'd feel better if someone were with him... just in case."

 _"He won't be alone. I'll ensure it."_

"Thank you. I have another appointment right now, but we'll talk later and I'll give you more specific instruction before you take him home."

 _"Thank you, Doctor."_

"You're welcome."

Dr. Connor hung up and sat back in his chair for a moment. Leroy Jethro Gibbs was going to be a difficult patient, but he could see how broken this man was, and he was determined to help him.

 **~*~*~*~*~*~**

 _-Later, about 5:00 p.m.-_

Gibbs was sitting on his bed when Dr. Connor came in with his discharge paperwork.

"You're almost out of here," he said with a smile. "I just need to go over your discharge paperwork with you, and your friend can take you home."

"Good."

"If you don't mind, I'd like to have him in the room while we go over the paperwork, as it will involve your care after you are discharged."

Gibbs nodded, and Dr. Connor went to the door. He made a hand motion, and Vance stepped into the room. He and Dr. Connor pulled up chairs and sat down by the bed.

"All right... so there are a few things we need to cover before the discharge papers are signed. First is outpatient treatment." He turned to Gibbs. "I'd like to see you once a week. We can schedule your first session before you leave today."

Gibbs opened his mouth to protest, but Dr. Connor held up a hand.

"It's not debatable, so don't try to fight me, Jethro. I have to submit this to Director Vance for official purposes. If you want to return to work, you need to stick with me. Okay?"

Gibbs nodded.

"Good. The second thing we all need to talk about is medication. I'd like to start you on an anti-depressant." He wrote a prescription and handed it to Gibbs. "You can fill this right here at the hospital before you leave. Make sure you take it every day."

"Okay."

Dr. Connor smiled.

"All right! Just sign right here, and you're a free man, Jethro."

Gibbs scribbled his name in the signature box.

"Excellent. For your first session, how about we start on Friday at 3 PM?"

"Works for me."

"Perfect. I'll get you down on my schedule. You're free to leave now. Take care of yourself, take your meds, and I'll see you on Friday, okay?"

He offered a hand, and Gibbs shook it.

"Thanks, Doc."

"You're welcome."

Dr. Connor left them alone. Vance went and picked up the bag he'd left by the door, and set it on the bed.

"Get dressed."

 **~*~*~*~**

Gibbs was quiet until Vance merged onto the beltway, away from Bethesda.

"My house is North, Leon."

"You're not going home."

Vance smiled when he heard his friend sigh, annoyed.

"You heard Dr. Connor. You're not going home alone."

"So where are we going, then?"

"You're staying with me. Don't argue."

Gibbs crossed his arms and looked out the window as Vance drove toward his home, just outside of the District.

A half-hour later, Vance pulled into his driveway and killed the engine on his SUV.

"You can sulk all you want, Gibbs, but you're staying here until Dr. Connor tells me that you can be on your own again."

Gibbs didn't reply. He reached into the backseat, grabbed his duffel bag and got out of the car. He slammed the door behind him and skulked up the front walk. Vance sighed and followed him. This wasn't going to be easy by any means.

Vance led him down the hall to the guest bedroom. The room was immaculate, as if Vance expected guests all the time.

"You can stay in here. The sheets are clean and you can use the dressers for your things."

"Thanks, Leon."

"Listen, I'm going to go and try to find my kids, and we'll fire up the grill, cook up some steaks for dinner. Sound good?"

"Absolutely it does," Gibbs said with a grin. Vance clapped him on the shoulder and left him alone to unpack.

 **TBC...**


	6. Chapter 6

Gibbs sat on the bed, his duffel still sitting on the floor by his feet. It had been an hour since Leon had left him to unpack, and he hadn't had the energy to start. He flipped through a woodworking magazine that Tony had slipped into his bag, trying to take his mind off of everything.

It wasn't working.

A soft knock on the door brought his eyes up from the magazine. Kayla Vance stood in the doorway, holding a steaming mug.

"I thought you'd like some coffee. Dad said you always drink it."

Gibbs smiled and took the cup from the teenager.

"Thanks, Kayla." He took a long sip, and reveled in the taste. Leon always kept the best coffee in his house.

"Are you feeling better?"

Gibbs smiled at her.

"Yeah... a little. Thanks."

"Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich."

"No, but thank you for offering, Kayla."

She smiled and left him alone with his coffee. He took a sip of his coffee and stared out the window as it began to snow. Christmas would be coming in a couple of weeks. He'd completely forgotten that it was coming... he was in such a daze over the past couple of months, that a few holidays had slipped past him without notice. He'd forgotten his promise to Abby to let her come over to his house and hand out candy on Halloween, and Thanksgiving dinner at Ducky's house had completely slipped his mind. He remembered Thanksgiving evening, when McGee had come over to bring him dinner.

-

 _-November 26th, 2015 -_

 _He heard his basement door open, but he didn't stop work on the project in front of him. He'd been putting the finishing touches on the toys he'd donate for Christmas this year. He listened to the footsteps descending the stairs, and stop at the bottom. It wasn't until he smelled Turkey, that he stopped what he was doing, and turned around._

 _Tim was standing at the bottom of the stairs, holding a Tupperware container._

 _"You missed Thanksgiving Dinner," Tim said plainly. "Abby sent me over with this." he held up the container of food._

 _Gibbs scrubbed a hand over his unshaven face. He knew he'd forgotten something... how on earth could he forget that today was Thanksgiving?_

 _"Thanks, Tim."_

 _"What's going on, Boss? Is everything okay?"_

 _Gibbs nodded as he set down his sandpaper and started toward the stairs. He nodded for Tim to follow him, and they silently moved up to the kitchen._

 _"Abby is pissed that you didn't come to dinner."_

 _Gibbs took the container and set it down on the counter._

 _"I forgot-"_

 _"That's not going to fly anymore, Gibbs," Tim said sternly. "You have been giving us that excuse for months. You missed Tony's Labor Day barbeque, you ditched Abby on Halloween, and you were supposed to bring the stuffing today for the Turkey, and Palmer had to go out to the store when you didn't show up and get a box of Stove Top. Telling me that you "forgot" is not going to work anymore."_

 _Gibbs lowered his eyes. How had he become such an ass?_

 _"You're right, Tim. I owe all of you an apology. I've been an ass."_

 _Tim sighed._

 _"I'm sorry for shouting at you... but it needed to be said."_

 _"You had every right to say it."_

 _Tim looked at his watch._

 _"I have to go... Delilah is waiting for me."_

 _"Thanks for bringing me dinner."_

 _"Take care of yourself, Boss."_

-

He remembered trying to call Abby to apologize, but she'd refused to speak to him. His team had also been giving him the cold shoulder. It had soon become apparent to him that everyone had given up on him.

A knock on the door brought him out of his reverie. Vance was standing in the doorway.

"Steaks are ready."

Gibbs finished the last of his coffee and followed his friend to the kitchen. The kids were already seated and serving themselves. Leon brought over a platter with four steaks on it, and everyone took one.

Gibbs ate in silence, listening to Jared excitedly tell Vance about his day at school. Every now and then, Kayla would interject, and Vance would have to stop an impending argument. Gibbs smiled as he finished off his steak... he felt so incredibly out of place in this house, but he knew Leon would never let him go home alone, at least, not until the Doc said he could.

When dinner was finished, the kids immediately started to clear the table and start rinsing the dishes for the dishwasher. Gibbs stood up.

"I can help with the dishes, Leon."

"It's all right... the kids can do it tonight. It's their turn on the chore schedule." He pointed to the refrigerator, where a detailed schedule hung, showing who had to do which chore, and when.

"Very efficient."

"It was Jackie's idea. The kids decided to continue with it on their own."

Gibbs nodded and stood to clear his plate from the table. After depositing it in the sink, he followed Leon through the living room and into his home office. He crossed the room and opened a small cabinet. From it he took two whiskey glasses, and a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. He poured them each a drink and replaced the bottle.

"How eager are you to get back to NCIS?" Vance asked after a minute of silence.

"I'm not sure," Gibbs admitted. "I'm not sure how much respect my Team has for me these days."

"You've been through a lot in the past few days. Do you want to take some time off?"

"I need to keep busy, Leon. I can't sit around."

"Jethro, I can't clear you for field duty yet. If you come back, you'll be on desk duty, and I know you'll hate it."

Gibbs sighed.

"Fine, I'll take the medical leave."

"I thought you would."

Gibbs took a long sip of his whiskey.

Vance went and closed the door to his study, then turned back to his friend.

"I'm not keeping you prisoner in my home. Jethro, but I'm not going to let you stay here alone while I'm at the Yard."

"I don't need a babysitter, Leon."

"Of course you don't... but Kayla is going to be here in the house with you anyway."

"She should be in school."

"I talked to her teachers. They have given her all of her homework assignments for the next week. She's old enough to know what's going on, and she wants to help."

"Leon, I can't let one of your kids miss school because of a choice I've made. It's not fair to Kayla."

"Maybe not, but she wants to help. She's a smart girl, Jethro." Leon smiled. "She's getting more like her Mother every day."

Gibbs smiled. He was definitely right about that. He could see a lot of Jackie in Kayla.

"All right. You win."

"Good."

A knock on the door ended the conversation.

"Come in."

The door opened, and Jared stepped in.

"Dad, can you help me with my math homework?"

Vance smiled.

"Sure, Jared... bring it over and let's take a look."

Gibbs stood and set down his glass.

"I'm going to go finish unpacking."

Vance nodded, and Gibbs left the study. He retreated back to his room and once again picked up the duffel bag with his things in it. This time, he started unpacking his things.

 **TBC...**


	7. Chapter 7

_One week later..._

Gibbs had been quiet all week... he let Kayla do her thing, not wanting to invade her personal space. He spent most of his time in Leon's garage... he'd found some leftover wood and sandpaper there, and tried to keep himself busy. Kayla would often join him, bringing coffee and lunch.

On Friday morning, Gibbs awoke late, and made his way to the kitchen to make some coffee. He smiled when he saw that Kayla had already made some. He poured a cup and found his way into the living room. He froze in his tracks when he saw _White Christmas_ playing on the television. Kayla was curled up in a chair, watching. Gibbs stood for a moment, listening to Bing Crosby sing to Rosemary Clooney.

 _When I worry, and I can't sleep  
I count my blessings, instead of sheep;  
I fall asleep, counting my blessings..._

Gibbs took a step further into the room, and Kayla looked up to greet him. She paused the movie and sat up.

"You like this movie, Uncle Gibbs?"

He came in and sat down on the couch.

"It was my Mother's favorite," he said softly. "We used to sing this song together. When I'd have a nightmare, she'd come into my room, hug me, and we'd sing this song. I always felt better when we did."

"My Mom and I used to watch this, too. She loved it. This was her favorite part of the movie."

Gibbs sipped his coffee.

"Do you... would you mind if I watched it with you?"

Kayla smiled.

"Of course not. Here, let me start it over."

Kayla restarted the film on her Netflix queue, and Gibbs sat back with his coffee and enjoyed a moment of quiet, losing himself in an almost forgotten memory.

 **~*~*~*~*~*~**

Gibbs arrived early that afternoon for his first session with Dr. Connor. He made his way up to the psychiatric wing at Bethesda, and the nurse directed him to a waiting area in the outpatient clinic.

He sat nervously, flipping absently through a Men's Health magazine, but not really reading it. He was almost ready to throw down the magazine and bolt, when a door to his left opened, and Dr. Connor stepped out into the lobby, accompanied by another patient. The doctor bid goodbye to the patient, and turned to Gibbs.

"Jethro, it's good to see you."

Gibbs stood and shook his hand.

"Let's go back to my office, shall we?"

Gibbs nodded nervously and followed him through the doorway Dr. Connor had just come from. They turned down a hallway and stopped at the door to a corner office. Gibbs stepped in behind Dr. Connor. The office was bright, with decorative plants. Dr. Connor also had a bookshelf on the wall by the window, with an assortment of books.

"Sit down, Jethro... make yourself comfortable."

Gibbs took a seat in a comfortable chair, while took another one across from him.

"How was your week off?"

"I'm going to go stir crazy," Gibbs admitted. "I hate to sit at home."

"How did you keep yourself busy?"

"Leon had some wood in his garage. I started a project."

"Building another boat?"

"No... something else."

"Okay. What else did you do?"

Gibbs shrugged.

"Have you enjoyed staying with your friend Leon?"

"At first I felt awkward... Leon has two teenaged kids. I felt like I was intruding into their space, you know?"

Dr. Connor chuckled.

"All too well... I have a teenager of my own."

Gibbs smiled nervously.

"How did you get along with Director Vance's children?"

"Fine. They're good kids... pretty well rounded, considering how they lost their mother."

"Do the children mind that you're there?"

Gibbs smiled.

"They want to show me everything.. help them with their homework all the time."

Gibbs stopped talking as a smile spread across his face.

"Happy memory?" Dr. Connor asked.

Gibbs nodded.

"This morning... Kayla was watching _White Christmas_. My mother and I used to watch it together. There was a song... about counting your blessings. My mother used to sing it to me when I was a little boy."

"I think I know what song you're talking about," Dr. Connor said. "You seemed, intuitive when you mentioned the movie. Did you sit and watch it this morning?"

Gibbs nodded.

"It reminded me of something... in my life, I have lost a lot of good friends, family, people I love. They may be gone, but I can't forget them, and I can't forget the people who I still have, who care about me."

"That's a good reminder. I want you to try and remind yourself of those things every day, especially when things get really tough or stressful. If you need help, don't forget that your friends are there to help you. Don't shut them out."

Gibbs nodded.

"I'll try."

"How are you feeling since you left the hospital?"

"I still feel like I need to fix something... I just don't know what."

"That's what I'm here for, and we can work on that. For today, we're done with our session."

"Can I go back to work on Monday?" Gibbs said hopefully.

Dr. Connor smiled.

"You're progressing more than I expected in just a week, and I'm proud of you. How about we start you off on desk duty, and go from there?"

"I-okay."

"I'll send the request over to Director Vance. In the meantime, stay with him for the weekend, and after I talk with him on Monday, we can talk about you going home again."

Gibbs wanted to protest, but nodded instead, knowing that he couldn't win an argument with Dr. Connor.

"All righty, Jethro. You're good to go! I'll see you next week. If a case comes up and you can't make it at three, call me directly and we'll reschedule." He gave Gibbs a business card with his direct line on it. "And don't call me to reschedule unless you truly have a conflict. I'll be checking with Director Vance if I think you're lying, and if I find out that you lied to me to miss an appointment, I will put you on medical leave. Are we understood?"

Gibbs was speechless. He nodded slowly.

"Understood."

"All right, Jethro. I'll see you next week."

Dr. Connor walked him out to the waiting area, and Gibbs left without a word.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When he arrived back at Vance's house, there were several cars in the driveway, including Vance's SUV. He parked his car behind Vance's and went inside. He followed the voices to the living room, where he found Vance, Tim, Tony, Ducky and Abby, chatting over coffee.

As soon as she saw him, Abby jumped up and enveloped him in the tightest hug he'd ever given her.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she said into his shoulder. Before he could respond, she pulled away from the hug and promptly slapped him across the face. "Don't you ever scare the hell out of me like that again."

"I deserve that, Abby," Gibbs said. "I owe you all an apology."

"You don't have to apologize for anything, Jethro," Ducky said. "We're all here to tell you that if you need to talk, any of us are willing to listen. You don't need to go through anything alone if you don't want to."

Gibbs came in and sat down in one of the easy chairs.

"I don't deserve friends like you all."

Abby came over and sat on the arm of the chair. She reached out and took his hand.

"We will always be here, Gibbs. Always. We're not going anywhere."

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

"We're your family. Never forget that."

"Thanks, Abbs. And thank you, everyone, for coming here tonight. The night that I - I felt like I had nothing to live for... that I had caused so much pain in this world that it'd be better off without me. Now I know that I was wrong. I-I still have a long road ahead, but I promise you all, here and now, that I'm not going to try and-I'm not going to-"

"You're welcome, Boss," Tim said. "We're all glad you're feeling better."

Vance stood up.

"How about we all go out and get a bite to eat?"

"It's on me," Gibbs said quickly.

"Well if it's on the Boss, I'm in!" Tony said jokingly. Tim reached around and head slapped him.

Everyone laughed and stood up to find their coats. Gibbs got up to follow them outside, but a hand on his arm stopped him.

"What did Dr. Connor say?" Vance asked.

"He says I can go back to work... but I have to stay on desk duty."

"You sound apprehensive about that, Jethro."

"I have no doubts about going back to work... I'm just-" he looked over at the front door, where Tim and Tony were teasing Abby. "I don't want to lose them, Leon. They're all I have left. You and Ducky too."

"No one wants to lose anyone, Jethro. When Jackie died, I thought it was all over, that I couldn't go on without her. You showed me that I had a lot to live for - my children. They need their father." Vance motioned toward the young Agents. "Just like they need theirs. You're a father figure to all of them, Jethro. They need your guidance, just as much as you need them. Be there for them."

Gibbs watched as they laughed and joked as they headed outside. Vance was right. His team needed him, and he wasn't going anywhere.

 **END**


End file.
